why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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