I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
