1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
