One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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