nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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