true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
