So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
