sarcasm needs its own font
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
