That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize