She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
