The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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