I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
