my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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