Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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