I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
