so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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