I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Then you guys just all showered together...?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
