i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
