By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
