My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
