I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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