your parents love me but you hate me
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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