i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Princesses don't give blow jobs
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
