I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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