I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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