god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
