I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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