Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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