2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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