I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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