She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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