So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize