my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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