I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
