How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize