Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
