my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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