I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
