i think my mom watched the whole time
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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