After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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