I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
