My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
