I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
