If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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