They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I think a kid would responsible me up
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
