I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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