One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
