this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
