For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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