we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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