I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
