why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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