The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
