You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
