My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
