what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
i out mim tonsoeep
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