my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
