I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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