boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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