someone threw a dead crab at me
ugly people sure do ruin things
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The power of my boobs compel you
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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