During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
