I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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