life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
