omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
50% drunk capacity currently
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
