Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
