theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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